I intended to write my diary as usual, but I realized I cannot write in Japanese. It is not the language that seems fitting for what I am trying to express.
So, taking advantage of knowing two languages, I decided to write in English today. For me, English is the language for expressing emotions.
Yesterday was a beautiful day.
Scar
I took a family with a baby to Matsukuni, a shared farm of natural farming. There, I met many people who still remembered my name. I had forgotten their names on the contrary.
I had forgotten almost all the people's names there while I took 6 months off for my ankle injuries. Before the injury, I was so into farming and loved the style. But eating just vegetables led me into nutritional deficiency, made me depressed, also made me very weak physically.
So I had contradicting feelings about natural farming.
Also, she... I forgot her name... someone who reminded me of a "typical good mother" in Kyushu... well, I don't know how to express the feeling. It was at least a shock to me, reminding me of the scar of injustices and betrayal that I had as a child.
I felt very keen rejection towards her, not from her side, from me. I felt she was just "pretentious" to be a good mother figure, not really a good one.
Being a good mom is her wish, not for the kids, which was exactly how I felt for my own mom.
Oh, yeah, I know why I don't remember people's names now.
I started to suppress my mind to protect my heart from being broken. I erased memory.
But actually, people were there nice as usual. I was about to bury even some good memories of them too.
The couple I took was very nice and seemed impressed with the idea of natural farming. I was so glad I took them there.
Toriyama coffee
I did not know why, but I felt kind of tired, so I went to a nearby coffee shop, Toriyama Coffee, a recent favorite of mine.
There, I had a really good talk with the cafe's owner, Kazu, or Taisho.
There was a lady customer when I entered a cafe, and she seemed very withdrawn to me.
In that particular cafe, people talk to each other; that is the reason why I like it.
Unlike other typical Japanese cafes, people sitting next to each other do not talk to each other at all.
There, everyone's friendly and talks to each other, sort of like in the US. I know some people say the reason why people in the US are so friendly to each other is because they are trying to make sure you are not their enemy... but why not?
I had a great time in the US 30 years ago, as a young adult when I had no idea at all about how the world works, and I learned American style as a young women starting her life for the first time. I lived in a poor community and a wealthy community, and for both, the key to safety was people skill.
Kazu, the Taisho, he noticed that I am very tired, immediately.
Then he listened to me and shared a conversation with that very quiet lady whom I did not know how to talk to... she had responded without any resistance...
he's got great people skills.
HSP
I asked him how he does it.
He said he's HSP, he's afraid of being disliked so much, he developed how to open people's minds.
Wow!
That is what Milton Erickson had been admired for, and how he cured people of the most severe mental disorders...
I asked some further questions on his people skills and how he does things. He seemed a natural born with the skill; he'd been depressed when he was young, and his doctor put him on medicines for the mental disorder... he's been through the process of getting better, he gained the skills...
For me, I am the kind of person who tends to say, "Let's go! Let forget the past and see the future" so I am protecting myself by not thinking my scar so deeply... maybe.
Now so far, the great skill of his is used for the customers, and everyone gets friendly there, and leave there somehow feeling better...
In a way, he is giving a cure to people's broken hearts. For the price of a cup of coffee.
I was hurt and I know it
On saying goodbye for the day, he said he misses me going back to Osaka, and that was so nice and ringer to my mind...
I'd been there only a few times. We only see each other at the cafe so my attachment to him was, I thought, from only my side. I liked him so much I gave him my old MTB.
I liked him because I lost my young brother when he was only 24.
I liked him because he was the same age as Matthew, an American child I took care of when he was only 6 years old. He would be as old as 35 now.
So my liking Taisho was only the reflection from my side, I knew.
So this was a surprise to me he gave me back the same "Like".
If you don't know where you're going, any road takes you there... if you don't know where to place your attachment, any person takes your attachment for their own use... they betray you, by using it un fairly...injustice.
My mom... was the first one who took advantage of my attachment towards her to fulfill her ego.
Not all people... not all people... Taisho might be safe...
Now my mind goes towards the people who came to my yoga class for seeking the cure for their minds... people come to a yoga class for that. People can be quite open to a Yoga teacher.
Isn't it scary?
To give so much, without expecting to get it back? Yes, it is scary...
You do have a risk of getting a rejection.
But what is there for you to lose? Your heart.
You can lose your love by being used... see what had happened to me in climbing? I was used, my kindness was used, and not just all that, my life was about to be taken away... only because I was so kind to my climbing partner... I was hurt, and that hurt made me depressed... made me wish to die.
Betrayed? Yes.
Do I have to cry aloud? And let go of my anger? Yes.
Do I have to seek revenge? No. It's in vain.
Do I have to heal my wound? Yes.
How? I have no idea.
Maybe coming to this cafe?
You can be more
On saying goodbye, I pointed out that he can be possibly larger... that was all I can give to him, also all I had as a mentalist...
People in Japan create a glass ceiling somehow by themselves. They tend to think "I am a small car" when they can be a big truck or a bus.
It had happened to me too... I took myself so small and said no to the gift that life had given to me... like the BMS trad fes or an invitation to join Telecom New Zealand...or living in the US...
I know it does not come from personal childhood experience, it comes from being a good Japanese. We are taught to be humble and that includes not to take a big chance since a good person does not do so... but in reality, when those "chances" come, they come not to YOU, they come to your inner self, inner DIVINE, so you have to take it.
Taking it is good for everyone. or should I say, it maximize the use of you as a human to the world... you are only responsible finding a good usage of yourself so you can help the world to be a better place.
He said, "Your words stunned me." Did I hurt him?
If so, it was not intentional; it was meant to... not to minimize oneself just to be a good Japanese, people should become who meant to be... so that was my intention.
