My 2-year younger partner
I had stopped climbing with my ex-senior partner called "Araki", he was 2 year younger than me, since I noticed he was unaware of the risk of old rotten bolts and also the risk of being egged to do something silly... like going to the multi-pitches, without two ropes. I guess we were tricked by local climbers.
It was the famous routes, called "Hakua slab", he wanted to go there without proper rope setting.
It was my own mistake I followed him, but if I said no to him, he may not have any partners to go climb there; it is 5 pitch climb, 5.8 face, two 5.10a slabs, 5.11 crack, 5.7 face, we went for one single rope of 50 m when even the first pitch had 35m and it was a far from a success climb. Actually, it is one of the worst climb I ever did. so I was ashamed of.
How? Everytime in my turn, rope was not up. The first case, it was stuck by wrongly placed cam, so I had to climb with rope. Not free climb, so it was not at all fun, it was just an exercise.
The second, he connected two pitches missing the belay station, so rope length was not enough, again I had to hang on the rope which was unsure if he caught me. When I went up to him, we were hanging onto a single one bolt, which was the "cut anchor"... so if that bolt got failed, we both were hit down to the earth.
It was sabotage of the proper planning but also, the local meant "do not use the bolt" by using the term of "There is no going back" and my mistake was that I had trusted him without my regular "trust but check" process.
I think now, he was egged to do so by local climbers who were so mean to new comers who innocently trust any bolts, they wanted to test him, because he does not know the climb in Kyusyu so much, they don't care any outsider dies... they have no conscience.
Also he wanted to show off his skills and also…sadly he was one of those kind; he wanted deadly included by members of Kyusyu...it is so important to him that he is same as the others. So he desperately needed to do something bold so he will be included. In short, he wanted respect so deadly. I could sensed it. So I wanted to help with that. I was thinking of my dead brother.
I was too nice to him even before I came to Kyusyu since any men younger than me, feels like my past younger brother who died young. He was an athlete and he did not do well at school, I was the smarter one and he seemed a bit challenged about his intelligence... so I felt obliged to help him all the time.
This was "Projection".
I did not realize I am projecting my dead brother to young fellow climbers... I felt sorry for them all the time for not quite being able to assess the risk of climbs.
Because I myself had climbed with my great climbing mentors... I never felt scared as a second, rope was proper all the time, and I could trust 100%.
So I was feeling I was privileged, and somehow trying to let them know what I am learning from my mentors. Like a beautiful rope work.
But after this "Hakua slab" climb, I understood those young climbers would never learn from the wise men. Because the intention is different.
The intention creates the world; Buddha says.
The climb is there only as a nice background flame of male narcissism. Not as something of young men's passion.
Who would put one's life on someone else to look good on a picture? It is foolish.
That is how my life was treated like a trash.
I was so sad that I foolishly trusted the climber who only wants to look good and proud, without taking responsibility as a climber...
Kishira
I went for Kishira trad crag in Kagoshima.
There were the trad route that seemed my level, so I wanted to lead, but he did not offer his belay in back, so I finally understood our relationship. Finally, I cut him off, realizing I was only being used.
BTW, my belay is pretty secure since I was climbing much heavier climber as my mentor and my body weight is light, natural shock absorber. I am at risk though.
So he only took the advantage of this. Usually Japanese men hates climbing with a woman since he does not want to look sissy. Sometimes there are men who wants to only climb with female, because they know female climbers are better takers of responsibility of belay.
Stolen partner
There were a climber who came to rope with me, and this guy was taken by him... so I am again being used by him many times.
It was not the first time, he stole my partner who without me he could not know each others.
I was sad being used and being such sad position but it was better than being killed...
This kind of people has mixed up sense of give&takes, since I knew he wanted me to introduce Korean ice just to "jojn the club" in Kyusyu... I am a better ice climber than him, also have better skills climbing abroad... why do I have to serve my hard earned skills to fulfill someone who disrespect me? I was even a professional interpreter and translator. They won't even offer me a belay and used me like a trash. Why am I obliged to offer my skills? It is not give and take, it is give and stolen. This happens a lot when men are too proud of himself. He usually treats women like his mom. Since moms put sons first for anything.
I just can not find the reason. I am explaining this in a way they could understand, which is give and take, it is give and taken in my case.
If you are cooperative climber, you must watch for it. You may not given anything back.
Attachment
Yet, I could not let go of climbing... since it was "attachment".
After 2 years of studying Buddhism, I finally realized, I was trying to find the answer for my question...
"Why my father had to abandon me as a child of age 6, my brother age 4, and my sister age 2...?"
My mom had to divorce my dad since he did not work, made girlfriends, also drunk, even abused us... the last sight of him I remember is my dad sleeping in a pool of his own water, drunk.
The pain of abandoned kid, persisted in me, and I was trying to find the reason why my father abandoned us and did not loved us... however made my mom pregnant, not just once, three times. I remember her crying being abused.
My mom was to my dad was just an accessory or a gear to make him look nice.
He never wanted us kids, he only wanted to please himself with sexual pleasure like climbers who only wanted to fulfill his narcissism by bragging how good he is.
Perhaps for most men, climbing is a substitute for ejaculation. Especially, outdoor boulder.
Anyway, I knew why I was put in danger for so many times now. It is the intention of the climbing... he only wanted to look good.
And that intention will never change.
Flash back
And it was my attachment toward the question which draw me toward such immature climbers...
I was having a flash back of my earliest memory of my dad... he pushed me in a swimming pool, believing a baby can swim without being taught how... I was drowned and my dad face was smiling without knowing I am as a baby girl, drawn... in front of my guardian's eyes... Guardian is not a guard to me, it was a threat.
So finally I got rid of my threat.
